Thanksgiving

This will be the first Thanksgiving after my life changing heart attack.


I am very grateful to God to be alive. 


I am grateful to have a wonderful partner who accepts me no matter how messy I am or how many times we argue.
I am grateful to still be running, and breathing, and appreciating it all.
I am grateful for having a good job, even though it may change.
I am grateful for my cool ass friends who love me and keep me sane.
I am grateful for having a warm spacious home when so many do not.
I am grateful for all of the wonderful, joyous, beautiful things about my life.

To be thankful

A few weeks ago, I started a new job working downtown in an office. Formerly, I was a construction worker.  Now I get to be clean all day, wear nice clothes, and talk to a lot of people everyday.  Dream come true! And I have started running during my lunch hour. Dream #2 come true!  How can this be?

Just this past April 21 I had a heart attack.  A painful one.  I have to carry nitroglycerin with me at all times.  I must take 5 pills everyday, I gave up butter (mostly), I'm still afraid of the tiny little pains I have, and I have to see a cardiologist for the rest of my life. But boy, I have gained so much since then!
I've lost 10 lbs, I have a new house, a new job, and I can run!  Better than before I had the heart attack!  I can breathe! I felt so good during my run today all I could do is give thanks to God! Over the 3rd avenue bridge, down 2nd  st and back by way of the Stone Arch bridge.  2.62 miles in 30 minutes!  When I got back to City Hall I was smiling, even though it was only 57 degrees out.

I still notice the thump thump of my injured little heart when it works hard, but that's OK.  I will enjoy all that I can WHILE I can, and I'll try to keep running for my life. For the rest of my life.

After our week of rain I can finally see the sun. And, a new outlook on my health picture. Last week the cardiac surgeon that opened up my clogged artery gave me the green light to do whatever I wanted. I'm back to work! I can ride my bike! And I'm going to mow the lawn this afternoon. Hurrah!

Summer is in full swing(kinda) and the Pride party circuit has started. Hope I can keep up!

Soul Friday

Hey world!  Today is Friday, and I am finally going to Soul Friday tonight with my lovely D.  I missed the last two or three, and I am so looking forward to it!

I will get to see our friends, dance (a little) have 2 beers (LOL) and enjoy life fo' real! 

I need it! I want it! And so does my beautiful D!

I am so glad to be alive, and to be able to enjoy something.  Maybe I will have my life back after all!

Thank you God.

The Practice

Hey everybody.



The purpose of this blog is for me to get my thoughts out of my head and to PRACTICE WRITING everyday.  Or as often as I can, which has not been a lot lately. Once again, I have lagged.  But I am still trying.



I can write about my great Memorial Day weekend.  I can write about the fact that my partner and I did not argue once in three days (well, not really).



I can write about the fun we had when our good friends came over for dinner and we FINALLY got to sit out on the deck and enjoy each other.



I can write about the fun we had watching the UFC fight on Saturday in a bar filled with fans, and how cool it was to cheer for my fighter along with the rest of the whole place.



I can write about how cool it was to have dinner with new, funny friends and how nice it was to sit in their yard and enjoy their beautiful flowers and watch pretty green bugs drop from the trees.  Even D got used to that after a while.



I can write about how good it was to go back to church after way too long of a hiatus.  Way too long. And about how nice and simple it was to just be there.



Or I can write about finally cleaning out our garage and realizing that we DO have enough space to store all of our junk after all.



There is always stuff to write about.  I just have to practice writing about it.

My heart attack was nothing like I thought it would be. No “I’m coming to see you, Elizabeth!” like Fred Sanford used to say. No lightning bolt of pain in my chest that made me fall instantly unconscious. No numb left arm or tingly fingers (until much later).



My heart attack was a gradual increase of pressure and pain that was unlike anything I ever felt before. Sort of like a strong, painful strumming in my chest. Think of the vibration a guitar string makes when you pluck it. That vibration is the sound you hear. I felt one long, painful, pressurized note that got progressively louder (more painful) as the seconds ticked by. It felt like a deep, strong vibration.


Toward the end, when I decided to call 911, is when the fear set in. I’m only 44, I’m pretty fit, is this really a heart attack? Am I going to die today?



FEAR is what made me call 911.


And FEAR is what saved my life.



If I hadn’t been afraid of dying too early of some ailment or disease, I wouldn’t have paid much attention to the symptoms of HEART ATTACK and STROKE for women. If I wasn’t afraid of getting stiff and out of shape in old age, I wouldn’t have tried to keep myself in reasonably decent shape all these years. And if I wasn’t afraid of passing out and having a wreck on the highway, I would not have pulled over when I did and called 911 on myself.



We women have to start being afraid again.


Be afraid to get out of shape!


Be afraid to die of some horrible disease!


Be afraid to become old and feeble.


These things are NOT INEVITABLE!



Please.



Eat LESS SALT! Our heart, kidneys, brain and liver can’t take it.


Eat LESS FAT! Our bodies aren’t made to carry it all.


Get more EXERCISE! Our bodies fall apart without it.

We can only take care of ourselves; no one else can do it for us.



I’m still afraid.


Are you with me??

April 21, 2010 I had a heart attack. I am 44 years old. It was one of the scariest moments of my life, and I have been forever changed by it.

My parents are dead. I am not very close to my family. My partner is wonderful and my friends offer a lot of support and fun. But, inside my head I'm alone.

Just me. And the fear.

Who am I now? The grass is green and the wind is warm. I am supposed to be outside but I'm not.
The sun is shining and the birds are singing. I'm supposed to be out there sweating, moving, breathing deep.

But I'm not.

Who am I now? Not the old me, that's for sure. What's the new me like? I don't even know yet.
I have to 'take it easy'. Go slow. Wait, it'll come.
Maybe. I'm not the person I used to be, and I'm not sure who I am now. I just hope I come out better and braver.